Bad Habits

(Journal Entry #2)

August 14, 20131:09AM

     Here I am again writing, I feel I have a lot of words coming into my head, I just didn’t know if I can make these words into good phrases, to sentences, paragraphs...to a good article. Yet, I am still doing it, I feel I really need to. I used to be in the Student Publication (been a member of the Editorial Board few years ago), modesty aside. I remember, during my interview as a staff writer, one of the editors then said “There were no born writer”, and I believe them. Never did I thought that I will become one. But, its a little sad on my part, I should say, I’m not really become a good one. I only did few articles during my stint at the pub. I guess, I am not really should be a writer.

     To where this article would go, I don’t know. All I want to do at this point is to write, to write what I want to say, to write down these words in mind. To put pen to paper how so I feel right now. I can’t sleep; been staying up too late at night these past few days. I’ve been working so hard to overcome insomnia for months now. I am proud to say that I’ve been doing good lately. I sleep a little earlier than I used to. But not these past week, I think insomnia is coming back, and I don’t know why. I guess, I am bothered with a so many things. People knows me well or those people I‘ve been talking to lately, might know or have an idea what are those. I won’t bother to enumerate them here , I am afraid that things on the list will keep coming on the way.

     I say music and singing was really like a therapy for me. My day isn’t complete without listening to my playlist. I am listening to music while writing as of this time. Music and singing truly makes me feel better. I’ve listen in few songs at the moment. I feel a little better now. Listening to my music always giving me a good sleep. It also inspires me when I am working into something. The moment I open the PC to work, the next thing to access is the music playlist, its always next to the file I have to work on. Seems like a routine. I really like singing, it frustrates me sometimes thinking that I didn’t become a good one. I am not saying that I can’t sing, in fact I can really carry a tune (if I am not saying too much for myself). But how I wish I was better, I could be better just like the others.

     It’s 5:30AM now and still can’t sleep. Up till now, I can’t finish this article, or should I say I don’t know how to finish this and how far this will go. I suppose, I have to keep on writing until I get tired and get myself to sleep like I used to. I have this habit to sleep where I work, when I got tired been too lazy to go to have a decent place to sleep, a more comfortable one. I always ended up sleeping at the chairs in front of the PC, or just sleep on the couch, a bench. Well, kind a silly I know, but I’m just used to it. I can’t count how many times I got stiff neck and back pains with this stupid sleeping habit. Peculiar as it is yet, I just can’t stop that. I suddenly remember a person I just met asked me, if I do have a bed or if i could by myself an airbed, a mattress or anything that I can have a nice comfy snooze. I answer that person a YES and a NO...Yes, I do have a bed, and I share it with my Mama at home. No, I can’t buy myself an airbed or anything at the moment, not anytime soon. When I questioned that person why he did asked, it is because he had seen some of my pictures I posted; me sleeping at the chair, on a couch, and (worst) on the floor. I laugh a little when I heard that, I understand the curiosity. Out of the blue I wonder how he feels when he saw me in those photos. I mull over if he feels bad or pity seeing me like that. Huh...another weird thing it is. Maybe my friends will just see it as normal, perhaps some will be happy seeing me sleeping. People I used to be with knows that, I really need some sleep. And, when will I stop this stupid sleeping habits, I really don’t know. I’ve been struggling to prevail over for long. Now I can’t myself to sleep again, I have to make something productive. Anyway, I don’t think this article is ‘productive’. I’ve being silly over again, at least I had something to do, instead of doing nothing the whole night.

     It’s 6:00AM, the sun is up. Some cellphone alarms starting to alert, people a getting up. While here I am still outside the office, just on the corridor, sitting on an armchair with my notebook and pen, cheap and old cellphone, lotion and my coffee mug. I am close to finish my second mug of coffee. Now I’ve been thinking how can I get some sleep after having two mugs of coffee (haha). It’s Celine Dion now playing on my list. I can’t count up how many songs played on my phone, while I am writing this. I am outside for I feel cold in the air-conditioned room, I am more comfortable here out, together with my moment of solitude. Sometimes, I like the feeling of being alone, specially when I am doing something. On my own with my music. I feel relaxed, I feel better.

     6:05, my phone beeps, I had a message. That was as I expected for I knew that message from, and I was right. It seems to be a routine. But of all the customary things I have, that one the best. For it never fails to make my day, it makes me smile as always. I really missed those when it halted for a while. I am glad that I have them back and how I wish it never stop.

     6:35, I know I should sleep, I need to finish my coffee and drink some water. I have to wrap up this as well. One of my favorite songs, now playing and its “Piano in the Dark”. I really miss singing. How I wish I could sing this song to someone, but I just can’t and feel bad about it.

I don’t know how will end this. I don’t know if I am making any sense here. I know I am being insensible. I think I ought to sleep, instead. I have this another habit of doing a piece of writing but don’t know how to put an end to it.

     It’s 7:02AM , I need to get inside, students starting to come over to the Student Center Building where I am. I don’t want people to see me with this eyebags, I look so miserable. Making the last sip if my hot-turned-cold coffee, scripting the finale of this dim-witted composition. I should get some sleep. I have a lot of things to do for this day. Wish me luck.

     ***END AT 7:08AM***

*I started writing at about 1:00AM, I finish at 7:00AM. No...I didn’t make this article for six long hours. I had a long pause when I had some conversation over a group of people. We shared some stories and views; and it was fun. It took us few hours before we end our stories. Surprisingly, I was still able to continue this after some hours of interruption.


Facebook note dated August 15, 2013 https://www.facebook.com/notes/janna-kontrabida/bad-habits-journal-entry-2/10151575239954205