Bad Habits

(Journal Entry #2)

August 14, 20131:09AM

     Here I am again writing, I feel I have a lot of words coming into my head, I just didn’t know if I can make these words into good phrases, to sentences, paragraphs...to a good article. Yet, I am still doing it, I feel I really need to. I used to be in the Student Publication (been a member of the Editorial Board few years ago), modesty aside. I remember, during my interview as a staff writer, one of the editors then said “There were no born writer”, and I believe them. Never did I thought that I will become one. But, its a little sad on my part, I should say, I’m not really become a good one. I only did few articles during my stint at the pub. I guess, I am not really should be a writer.

     To where this article would go, I don’t know. All I want to do at this point is to write, to write what I want to say, to write down these words in mind. To put pen to paper how so I feel right now. I can’t sleep; been staying up too late at night these past few days. I’ve been working so hard to overcome insomnia for months now. I am proud to say that I’ve been doing good lately. I sleep a little earlier than I used to. But not these past week, I think insomnia is coming back, and I don’t know why. I guess, I am bothered with a so many things. People knows me well or those people I‘ve been talking to lately, might know or have an idea what are those. I won’t bother to enumerate them here , I am afraid that things on the list will keep coming on the way.

     I say music and singing was really like a therapy for me. My day isn’t complete without listening to my playlist. I am listening to music while writing as of this time. Music and singing truly makes me feel better. I’ve listen in few songs at the moment. I feel a little better now. Listening to my music always giving me a good sleep. It also inspires me when I am working into something. The moment I open the PC to work, the next thing to access is the music playlist, its always next to the file I have to work on. Seems like a routine. I really like singing, it frustrates me sometimes thinking that I didn’t become a good one. I am not saying that I can’t sing, in fact I can really carry a tune (if I am not saying too much for myself). But how I wish I was better, I could be better just like the others.

     It’s 5:30AM now and still can’t sleep. Up till now, I can’t finish this article, or should I say I don’t know how to finish this and how far this will go. I suppose, I have to keep on writing until I get tired and get myself to sleep like I used to. I have this habit to sleep where I work, when I got tired been too lazy to go to have a decent place to sleep, a more comfortable one. I always ended up sleeping at the chairs in front of the PC, or just sleep on the couch, a bench. Well, kind a silly I know, but I’m just used to it. I can’t count how many times I got stiff neck and back pains with this stupid sleeping habit. Peculiar as it is yet, I just can’t stop that. I suddenly remember a person I just met asked me, if I do have a bed or if i could by myself an airbed, a mattress or anything that I can have a nice comfy snooze. I answer that person a YES and a NO...Yes, I do have a bed, and I share it with my Mama at home. No, I can’t buy myself an airbed or anything at the moment, not anytime soon. When I questioned that person why he did asked, it is because he had seen some of my pictures I posted; me sleeping at the chair, on a couch, and (worst) on the floor. I laugh a little when I heard that, I understand the curiosity. Out of the blue I wonder how he feels when he saw me in those photos. I mull over if he feels bad or pity seeing me like that. Huh...another weird thing it is. Maybe my friends will just see it as normal, perhaps some will be happy seeing me sleeping. People I used to be with knows that, I really need some sleep. And, when will I stop this stupid sleeping habits, I really don’t know. I’ve been struggling to prevail over for long. Now I can’t myself to sleep again, I have to make something productive. Anyway, I don’t think this article is ‘productive’. I’ve being silly over again, at least I had something to do, instead of doing nothing the whole night.

What a nice and inspiring 'copy-paste' E-mail (The Team Teddy Experience)

=============================================
''KUDO EMAIL FOR [soon-to-be] 'SENATOR TEDDY CASINO'.......''
=============================================
THURSDAY-MAY-9TH-2013@8:13AM/PHILS-STND-TIME........
=============================================



DEAR ''SENATOR-TO-BE 'TEDDY CASINO,' '' VIA ''JANNA ABAD''.....


1/ ALL OF US LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR BECOMING A NEWLY-MINTED SENATOR ON MAY 13TH, MID-TERM ELECTION DAY, SIR!


2/ MY WIFE, IVELLA F. ''BING'' TESTA [A FILIPINA] AND I WOULDLIKE YOU TO KNOW WHAT AN INCREDIBLY-DEDICATED EMPLOYEE
YOU HAVE AT YOUR CAMPAIGN H.Q., NAMELY, ''JANNA ABAD...''


3/ LAST NIGHT, JANNA COORDINATED THE VISIT OF ''BING'' TO
YOUR H.Q., TEDDY, VIA DETAILED TEXT'ED INSTRUCTIONS......
JANNA ALSO UPDATED US ON AVAILABLE T-SHIRT INVENTORY


[NO ''RED'' T-SHIRTS] PLUS OTHER CAMPAIGN PARAPHERNALIA, SIR.....[[[ THESE MATERIALS ARE FOR BING'S COUSIN IN OTTAWA, CANADA,
FOR SOME SORT OF POLITICAL PROMOTION//DISPLAY PURPOSES.RAQUEL HAS BEEN A LIFE-LONG ADVOCATE THERE FOR THE RIGHTS
OF OFWs, ESP. DOMESTIC HELPERS AND THEIR RIGHTS IN CANADA. ]]]4/ JANNA DISPLAYED A VERY KINDLY NATURE, A VERY HELPFUL
NATURE, AND A VERY DEDICATED NATURE TO YOUR ELECTION CAUSE.


5/ ''BING'' AND I WERE MAXXXXX-IMPRESSED BY JANNA SO WE BOTH
WANTED YOU TO KNOW, VIA JANNA, AS TO HOW IMPRESSED WE BOTHWERE BY HER OVERALL ACTIONS//HELPFULNESS, ''SIR TEDDY''.......



6/ REGRETFULLY, ONLY ''BING'' MADE IT TO YOUR CAMPAIGN H.Q.LAST NIGHT, TEDDY, BUT I MAY BE ABLE TO STOP BY TO SEE JANNA
BEFORE WE RETURN TO LONDON, ONTARIO, CANADA ON FRI., MAY 10TH?


''WISHING YOU A SUCCESSFUL ELECTION CAMPAIGN, 'SIR TEDDY.' '' ;-}}}

***(Contact Info below this email withheld, for security and privacy reasons).

     And, yes he did dropped by to the HQ, just to see and meet me in person. He was so happy to see me and the whole Team Teddy, so did I. I am really surprised. I never thought I could make a person as happy as "Kuya Tom" (he wants to be called like that, anyway), just by simply helping and accommodating him with regards to our Fund Raising Campaign.the compliments were too overwhelming for me.

     I introduced him and his wife, Ate Bing to other staffs and volunteers. And he bought more campaign materials to bring home to Ontario, Canada. I really appreciate the visit. Actually we really did, the whole Team Teddy. The visit was not that long, because all people were really busy, and according to him, he don't want to bother us in anyway. He just really dropped by to see me.

     It was such a surprise (coz I haven't seen his email earlier, so, I have no idea he wants to pay me a visit). As I walked with them to the gate, he asked me to keep him posted about the campaigns and the election results as well; and I promise that I will. Before they finally leave, he held my hand and said "Salamat at Ingat" . That made me smile and chuckle a little, as he tried to speak Tagalog, I am glad he's learning.

I'm sharing this email, because Kuya Tom would like me to forward it to Teddy and to the whole Team Teddy.

I would like to share this to all, because this experience is really unforgettable. Never I thought of doing some volunteer work would lead me into meeting great people.

Facebook note dated MAy 10, 2013 https://www.facebook.com/notes/janna-kontrabida/what-a-nice-and-inspiring-copy-paste-e-mail-the-team-teddy-experience/10151414545554205

Gloomy Journal Entry

(October 23, 2012)

6:15am

     Yesterday, I was about to go to a government office to make some follow-up to the documents I filed recently, I was tired and sleepy then, that I unintentionally slept in the ride on my way, I just can’t helped it when I woke up it was quite far where I am suppose to go. As I walked, a lot of things going through my mind then, I found myself heading towards the cemetery where my brother's grave is, the guards didn't allowed me to enter at first, since the visiting hours was soon to end that time, but I insist...

    As I walked inside, I forgot the exact location of his tomb, I was walking around there alone with all the graves around me, looking for my brother's, I walked around for several minutes, almost an hour I think and I am tired...I was ready to give up and head my way back, I told myself to visit him some other time instead. It was late in the afternoon and it's getting dark everywhere, making it more difficult for me to look at the gravestones, I feel so hopeless. I was about to cry then, I called his name and asked where he is, then in a few minutes I found it, finally...Then realized I was just walking around in circles.

    When I was about to flame the candle, it rained. It rained so suddenly that I didn't have the time to open my umbrella. I feel so helpless, I'm all wet so as the candle on my hand, I couldn't burned it...no one's there with me to help, for I was all alone there. That's the time I cried, I know I used to be alone, I learned to live alone, but how I wish by then, I am with someone or anyone.

   I cried...and cried with all my heart out. I was in pain and tormenting with all my hardships and adversaries. I talked to my brother through my heart, I said I was sorry that, I wasn't be able to keep my promise to bring him the grapes he requested a couple of days before he died. How I regret to help a friend rather than seeing him, I thought that friend would never leave me during the darkest days of my life, but I was wrong and now, how I regret of being a friend to him. I also explained why I don’t visit often , because it kills me seeing him suffering from pain of his illness but can’t do anything about it. If a lifespan of a person could be shared, I definitely share it to my brother, he deserves a life, well at least a little much longer. I told him I was about to keep my promise, I'm on a huff that he wasn't be able to wait for me to come and bring him the sweetest grapes he'll ever tasted. I can still remember how I told to bring him anything he wants as long as he’ll promise to be all right and he’ll keep on fighting. I still can’t get over the fact that I failed to do a brother’s dying wish.

     The rain gets harder as I cried. I know by brother don’t want to see me crying, for he was one of those who taught me to be strong. He’s mad whenever I cried, I remember how he told me that crying was one of signs of weakness, he doesn’t want me to be weak, according to him, people will just come and go through our lives and no one to defend myself but me and that the most profound relationship I’ll ever have is with myself. He hates to see me crying. But at that moment, I cried. I cried not to show him that I am weak, but to show him how strong person I become which I knew that was he wanted me to be.

     I cried because I am in pain and had no one to talked to, had no one to blurted out with, and that's all I wanted at that moment. I feel that I don't have friends or anyone to share it out with, or maybe I'm just to afraid to do so, because people had known me to be tough person, I don't know, I just don't know who am I going to talk to. I want to release all the pain and burdens that I am feeling, because if I don't, I afraid that I might feel that I wanted to give up, which is the last thing I've ever wanted to do.

     As flamed the candle, the rains getting harder which makes it more difficult for me to burn the wick, but I keep on trying...I was crying out that life seems to be unfair sometimes. All I wanted is to light the little candle in my hand and offered a prayer for my brother, but the situation don’t allow me to. I keep on trying to flame it, I tried and tried till it slightly burned my finger. But the pain of burned finger was nothing compared to the pain of losing my siblings. I prayed for him and my sister who died also, couple of months after. The rain stopped when I’m done with my prayer. I feel a little relieved, that’s when I thought of that maybe, it’s my brother that let me fall asleep on the ride and leads me where he is, perhaps he knows that I’m in so much pain and needs someone to be with, and he let the rain falls hard so that no one will see me crying or I did. I suddenly felt that he’s just there protecting me together with my sister. He will always be the Big Brother to his little sisters.

     Yes I am not a perfect sister, I have my flaws, but I know where ever my siblings is they’re proud of me and will always be. I remember when he tried to smile though it’s hard for him to move , when I told him I was directing/heading a song production number and told me that he’s sad that he wasn’t be able to watch the program, I just told him that someday he will.

    I know deep in my heart that he’s happy now where he is, no pains, no sufferings, no burdens. He just wanted to be visited and remembered. Though as of this time it’s hard for me to accept the fact that he has leave, I am pleased now for he will no longer feel any pain, I want him to rest, because he had enough. I just wish it wasn’t so soon, I wish he stays a little longer, just long enough to say how much I love him, he and my sister...It was dark when I am about to leave his grave, no people around except me; again I almost lost my way back. I was walking in an aisle almost pitch dark and it’s getting creepy, as the sound of my heels echoing as I walked towards the main road. But I am not afraid of anything that may come across my way. On my way back, I felt lightened and better. I know that was what he wanted, for me to feel better, because he just knew how strong person his little sister has become.

Note:

I want to thank all my friends who come at my brother's wake and funeral...Thank you for being there for me, that was one of the darkest days of my life. words aren't enough to show how grateful I am and my family, for being there for us. To the Student Council Friends, The Catalyst Friends, Elementary and High School Classmates, Loving Professors, and PUP Employees. Thank you

Republished Article

MULI (republished)—para sa ‘yo to “Buddy”

Malalim na ang gabi, medaling araw na nga, ngunit gising na gising ang aking diwa. Waring nang-iinis dahil nais ko nang magpahinga’t pagod na ang aking katawan --- pagod sa mga Gawain at marahil ay sa pag-iisip na rin, pag-iisip ng kung anu-ano lang. Muli narito na naman ako… nag-iisip, nagmumuni-muni. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako ganito nitong mga huling araw. Kungsabagay, noon pa man ay ganito na ang personalidad ko, sentimental at may magkakataong gusto ay mag-isa lang.Maraming bagay ang naglalaro sa aking isipan. Personal na problem, lagi naman at hindi nawawala iyan. ‘Love life’ …huh…saying wala ako niyan. Pero hindi nangangahulugan na bato ako o dinaman kaya ay ‘bisexual’ tulad ng sabi ng iba, sa tingin ko ay hindi ko pa lang talaga “panahon”.

Sa aking pag-iisip, naalala ko ko tuloy ang isang kaibigan, matagal-tagal na rin kaming hindi nagkikita, ang mga masasaya naming mga karanasan---mga tagpo sa aking buhay na talagang kailanman ay hindi ko malilimutan. Marami akong mga bagay na natutunan sa kanya, mga bagay na hindi ko kailanman mapag-aaralan sa apat na sulok ng silid-aralan. Ang tunay na kahulugan ng buhay, ang realidad ng lipunan. Ngunit, bago ko pa man siya makadaupang-palad ay may alam na ako sa mga iyon, mga aral din akin ng akong mga kaibigansa larangang pinasukan ko…ang pagsusulat. Ngunit mas napatagos sa akin ang mga iyon dahil sa kanya, bunga na rin ng matiyagang pagkausap sa isang “pasaway” na tulad ko, ‘ ni minsan ay hindi siya nagsawa sa pagbibigay ng kaalaman at aral sa akin. Naalala ko nga minsan nang magpasalamat ako sa kanya dahil doon, hindi siya makapaniwala na marami akong natutunan sa kanya… Ang akala niya ay hindi siya makatulong sa aking pag-unlad. Napapikit ako. Inaalala ko ang mga sandaling kami ay magkasama, mga tagpong nagturo sa akin upang maging ako sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon. Ang maging matatag at maging handa sa anumang maaring mangyari. ‘Ika nga, lahat ng bagay ay nagbabago, walang permanente dito sa mundo. Kung ano ang kinalalagyan ko ngayon ay dahil sa kanya, wala ang isang “ako” kung wala ang isang tulad “niya”. Hindi ko na napigilang tumulo ang aking luha na kanina pang nag-aabang ng kanyang pagbuhos. Kung bakit? Hindi ko maipaliwanag.

Simula pa lang, bago pa ako maging isang manunulat, ay lagi ko nang pinagmamasdan ang paglubog ng araw at sa gabi naman ang sinag ng buwan. Wala na siguro pang gaganda pa sa mga panahon na iyon para sa akin, ‘senti’ nga ako ‘di ba. Bumalik sa aking gunita ng sabihin niya na magiging tulad ako ng ganda ng isang lumulubog na araw kung lagi akong ngingiti at kahit kalian ay hindi magkukunot ng aking noo. Natawa ako, siya lang ang nakapagsabi sa akin noon. Ngunit hindi ko ito gaanong binigyan ng pansin.

Sa aking paglalakbay sa iba’t-ibang lugar, lagi ko na itong ginagawa . Muli’t muli ko siyang naaalala, habang nagmamasid sa unti-unting paglubog ng araw hanggang maglaho at tuluyang lamunin ng karimlan. Haaayyy… ang saya ng tagpong iyon. Sana kasama ko siya ng mga panahon na iyon. Sana lagi ko siyang kapiling sa bawat dapit-hapon, ay pagkatapos ay sabay sana naming sasalubungin ang pagsikat ng buwan. Sana kasamako siya sa bawat oras na ako’y masaya at karamay naman sa bawat pagluha. Kung minsan nga naiisip ko na ayoko nang maging masaya…lalo lang kasi akong nalulungkot. Dahil ‘pag maligaya ako ay siya ang unang-unang pumapasok sa isipan ko. Naiisip ko kung Masaya rin ba siya sa panahon na iyon, dahil wala akong nais na makasama sa mga panahong masaya ako kundi siya lang.

Ngunit, kailanman ay hindi na mangyayari ang mga bagay na naiisip ko. Marahil hanggang pangarap na lamang ang mga bagay na iyon. Tanggap ko na hindi na magkakaroon pa ng pagkakataon na muli kaming magkikita at magkakasama. Hinanda ko na ang sarili ko, nang dumating na ang oras ng aming pamamaalam. At tila ayaw naming magpahayag nang aming pamamaalamsa aming huling pag-uusap. At pagkatapos ay wala na akong balita sa kanya. “The problem with saying ‘Hello’ is bidding ‘Goodbye’…” iyan lang ang masasabi ko. Ika nga sa kantang pinakikinggan ko:“Some good things never last…”

Kung nasaan man siya ngayon, hiing ko lang sana kahit minsan lang ay maalala niya ako. Dahil kailanman ay hindi ko siya kinalimutan at hindi nawala sa aking isipan. Baon ko ang mga alaala niya ay mananatili hanggang sa aking kamatayan. Bitbit ko ang mga aral mula sa kanya. Sana kahit minsan ay maisip niya na nandito lang ako palagi at habang-buhay na maghihintay at umaasa na darating din ang panahon na muling magkikita at magkakasama---muling pagsasaluhan ang bawat lungkot at saya, ang hirap at ginhawa. At higit sa lahat, hindi na maghihiwalay pa.

Iyon ay kung kami’y muli pang magkikita…

(The Catalyst Volume XVII Issue 5)

* Note: 

 Dahil bigla kitang naalala nang minsang isang gabi na gusto ko nang matulog upang makapagpahinga dahil sa ilang araw na ring pagpupuyat sa maraming ginagawa at bagahe sa mga usaping pampersonal, ninais kong gumawang muli ng isang artikulo na patungkol sa’yo…maraming mga salita, iba’t-ibang mga berso ang paulit-ulit na naglalaro sa isip ko, ngunit dahil sa kalagayang matagal-tagal na ring panahon na hindi ako nagsusulat dahil na rin sa naging linya ng mga gawain sa matagal na ring panahon, hindi ko mapagtagni-tagni ang mga salitang iyon para bumuong muli ng isa pang kwento o artikulong para sa’ yo kahit na ikaw pa ang maging inspirasyon ko para magawa ito at paumanhin para dito. Naisip ko na muli na lang ilathala ang dati ko nang likha para maipahayag kahit sa simpleng paraan ang pangungulila sa presensiya mo, upang maibahagi ko na lang din sa iba ang aking likha sa ibang pang mga kaibigan at kakilala. Batid kong mayroon nang nakabasa nito ngunit alam ko ng mas marami pa ang hindi, kaya nais ko lang siyang ibahagi…Kahit alam kong maaring hindi naman ito mabibigyan ng pansin ng mga taong makakabasa, ang gusto ko lang ay mabawasan kahit man lang konti ang nararamdaman kong lungkot dahil, sa mga panahong ito ay lalo kitang naalala. Dahil dati ay sa’yo ako kumukuha ng lakas ng loob para magpatuloy sa buhay…Batid kong wala rin naming saysay ang ginagawa kong ito dahil marahil ay wala namang paraan para mabasa mo ‘to. Ngunit sa isang banda alam ko ay ipagmamalaki mo hindi lang ako kung pati na rin ang sarili mo, dahil minsan sa buhay mo ay nakatulong ka sa pag-unlad ng isang indibidwal sa sarili mong paraan, at walang hanggan ang aking pasasalamat sa’yo para sa pag-unlad na ito. Hanggang ngayon ay bitbit ko pa rin ang mga bagay na natutunan ko sa’yo at sa mga oras na ito ay isa ka pa rin sa mga taong nagbibigay ng lakas sa akin. Ang tanging hiling ko lang ay kung nasaan ka man ay maalala mo ako kahit sandali sa buhay mo. Sana laging maayos ang kalagayan mo. Alam ko at umaasa akong darating pa rin ang panahon na muling magtatagpo ang ating mga landas sa tamang panahon…

At patuloy akong umaasa na mababasa mo rin ito…

Improptu article

eto lang yan eh, kulang talaga ang space sa status ng FB in fairness to, no gay lingo at impromptu

(From my FB Notes, Tuesday, October 20, 2009)

Now at this point you taste your victory for making me down, and I know you're happy...well you should be. But, I guess your happiness just lies in there. If your happiness is making a person down well then so be it! Thanks to me for making you happy...If your happiness is equals to someone's grief, you won this time! If that's what you want, I'll just let you to be and treated me that way. If that will help for the advancement your ideological foundation and increase your political gain, well, I'm happy that I've helped a 'comrade' like you, (even your attitude don't look like one).


Maybe, you may just feel that you've won but I know and I'm confident that I am the winner here, for you've just shown everybody your real self and you've just proven that you don't deserve any respect from everybody always remember my dear comrade, "respect is earned!" for me you don't deserve not a single drop of respect from me as well as to other people.

I know for myself, I've proven if not everything, at least "something" I believe despite of my lapses, mistakes & imperfections, I know there are still people whom I gain their respects by earning them and not by imposing them to respect me. I still believe, after all, my friends were still at my side no matter what, in spite of everything and now I know who were my real friends are. I know that there are still people who believe in me and with my abilities.

I pity those people who have nothing to proud be of and haven't proven anything and yet, as arrogant, immodest and antagonistic as if they have shown everything they've got and proven everything, well in fact don't have anything to prove and I think they just a "nobody" compared to me and to what I've done and achieved

I'm really planning to leave anyway, I've made up my mind. They don't have to do it, I'm just waiting for the right time and I just have to finish all those "unfinished" crap! You may also ask the angels and even the demons!

And now, If I will totally turned back-faced to what I have and where I am right now. This is not to show my cowardice, it's just only to show to everyone my valor and worth as a person; for I don't want to be as self-aggrandizing person as my adversary. And mostly, after all the sacrifices I've made, I wanted to have a dignified and graceful exit.

I know bourgeois world is waiting for me and I'm welcome ... with open arms...

I hope that I've made you all happy... even if it is parallel to leaving the world I've loved for almost a decade...

https://www.facebook.com/notes/scarlett-de-la-rea-scandal/eto-lang-yan-eh-kulang-talaga-ang-space-sa-status-ng-fb-in-fairness-to-no-gay-li/155988689204

An old blog entry

ang bad trip experience [mula sa Friendster blog ko (Sept. 1, 2009)]


Monday, December 14, 2009 at
bad trip talaga, supposedly may get-together kami ng mga kaibigan ko ending nag-kape na lang kami haaay ayun lang naman tagal kong hinintay yung araw na yun at eto pang isang kakainis na bagay, bad trip na nga dahil sa na-cancel na event, masisira pa lalo ang araw mo sa unknown texter na sumisira ng mood mo..

akakalain mo ba naman na bad trip ka na nga nung gabing yun sasabay pa to ng epalerong texter at ang malupit jan ibang level na to eto na alam na ang pangalan ko..at pinipilit na taga teresa St. ako eh hindi nga eh di ba alam nyo namn yun diba?! kakainis ayaw akong tigilan ng mga ito pag tinawagan mo nmn out-of-service area yung maririnig mo hindi mo lamg kung nanandya o kung ano…haaay ampota malaman ko lang talaga kung sino ang promotor nito lahat ng ito naku po patawarin ako... hindi ko alam kung ano magagawa ko sa kanya

wala lang share ko lang internet na lang kasi ang bestfriend ko ngayon.....

- - - - - - 

sa dami ng pinagdadaanan ko ngayon, puro problema at sakit haaay alam nyo ba na irregular na ang heartbeat ko sa depression sa ngyayari sa buhay ko… kung bakit naman kasi puro mga insensitive na tao ang mga nakapaligid sa akin. kaya eto wala akong mapag-share-an sa internet lang… saka may bagay talang ang hirap -ishare sa iba…nakakatakot na baka walang makaintindi sa akin, haahhh ang hirap talaga kung maibabalik ko lang ang oras ng buhay ko babalikan ko yung panahon na may mali akong ginawang desisyon na xang nagpabago sa buhay ko ngayon, kung hindi ba ako sumugal ng ganito mananalo kaya ako… kasi ngayon alam ko talong-talo ako kahit pamato at panabla itinaya ko… pero wala akong napala.

Ang hirap palang maging selfless minsan. pakiramdam ko nagamit lang ako sa pansariling gain ng mga selfish, impulsive, insensitive at mga walang kwentang tao…

(tama nga siguro yung description nya sa sarili nya sa isa sa mga social networking sites- na wla xang kwenta)Hindi ako bitter dahil wala naman dapat ipag-bitter…gusto kong magalit pero dapat kong isipin na dapat magalit din ako sa sarili ko dahil ako naman talaga ang may kasalanan (teka kasalanan ko nga lang ba talaga) sa tingin ko kung hindi nagyari yun hindi magiging ganito…siguro nga kasalanan ko ang masakit lang never kasi pinahalagahan ang lahat parang walang worth or value ang lahat…siguro dahil nakuha lang kasi ng walang effort at walang kahit anong hirap… kaya siguro never binigyan ng halaga. Tama tama kasalanan ko nga lang tong lahat… ako kasi eh…ang tanga tanga…haayy matalino naman akong tao at hindi ako nagpapatalo, palaban ika nga kilala ako sa "insti" at sa tingin ng lahat ay halos perpekto, dahil "perfectionist" nga daw  (magbubuhat muna ako ng bangko) pero bakit parang bigla kong nakalimutan ang lahat ng aral na natutunan ko? bakit bigla akong naging tanga… siguro nga hindi namn talaga ako matalino akala lang siguro yung ng mga lecheng tao sa paligid ko! sila lang siguro ang nagpilit na isaksak sa utak ko yun kaya yun na rin ang iniisip ko…pero ang totoo tanga naman talaga ako. Bakit ba kasi ganito eh..sana may makabasa sana may makinig… at lalong sana may taong handang umintindi at umunawa, na tao lang ako at nakakamali hindi ako perpekto, at hindi rin ako Dyos. 

Ang hiling ko lang naman, sana pagkatapos ng lahat lahat ng mga nangyari at mga nagawa ko tanggapin pa rin ako ng lipunang ginagalawan ko...at ng mga taong alam kong mga tunay na nagmamahal sa akin bilang ako, hindi bilang taong kilala nila dahil sila'y may kailangan o pabor na dapat pagbigyan... https://www.facebook.com/notes/scarlett-de-la-rea-scandal/ang-bad-trip-experience-mula-sa-friendster-blog-ko-sept-1-2009/199609364204