Bad Habits

(Journal Entry #2)

August 14, 20131:09AM

     Here I am again writing, I feel I have a lot of words coming into my head, I just didn’t know if I can make these words into good phrases, to sentences, paragraphs...to a good article. Yet, I am still doing it, I feel I really need to. I used to be in the Student Publication (been a member of the Editorial Board few years ago), modesty aside. I remember, during my interview as a staff writer, one of the editors then said “There were no born writer”, and I believe them. Never did I thought that I will become one. But, its a little sad on my part, I should say, I’m not really become a good one. I only did few articles during my stint at the pub. I guess, I am not really should be a writer.

     To where this article would go, I don’t know. All I want to do at this point is to write, to write what I want to say, to write down these words in mind. To put pen to paper how so I feel right now. I can’t sleep; been staying up too late at night these past few days. I’ve been working so hard to overcome insomnia for months now. I am proud to say that I’ve been doing good lately. I sleep a little earlier than I used to. But not these past week, I think insomnia is coming back, and I don’t know why. I guess, I am bothered with a so many things. People knows me well or those people I‘ve been talking to lately, might know or have an idea what are those. I won’t bother to enumerate them here , I am afraid that things on the list will keep coming on the way.

     I say music and singing was really like a therapy for me. My day isn’t complete without listening to my playlist. I am listening to music while writing as of this time. Music and singing truly makes me feel better. I’ve listen in few songs at the moment. I feel a little better now. Listening to my music always giving me a good sleep. It also inspires me when I am working into something. The moment I open the PC to work, the next thing to access is the music playlist, its always next to the file I have to work on. Seems like a routine. I really like singing, it frustrates me sometimes thinking that I didn’t become a good one. I am not saying that I can’t sing, in fact I can really carry a tune (if I am not saying too much for myself). But how I wish I was better, I could be better just like the others.

     It’s 5:30AM now and still can’t sleep. Up till now, I can’t finish this article, or should I say I don’t know how to finish this and how far this will go. I suppose, I have to keep on writing until I get tired and get myself to sleep like I used to. I have this habit to sleep where I work, when I got tired been too lazy to go to have a decent place to sleep, a more comfortable one. I always ended up sleeping at the chairs in front of the PC, or just sleep on the couch, a bench. Well, kind a silly I know, but I’m just used to it. I can’t count how many times I got stiff neck and back pains with this stupid sleeping habit. Peculiar as it is yet, I just can’t stop that. I suddenly remember a person I just met asked me, if I do have a bed or if i could by myself an airbed, a mattress or anything that I can have a nice comfy snooze. I answer that person a YES and a NO...Yes, I do have a bed, and I share it with my Mama at home. No, I can’t buy myself an airbed or anything at the moment, not anytime soon. When I questioned that person why he did asked, it is because he had seen some of my pictures I posted; me sleeping at the chair, on a couch, and (worst) on the floor. I laugh a little when I heard that, I understand the curiosity. Out of the blue I wonder how he feels when he saw me in those photos. I mull over if he feels bad or pity seeing me like that. Huh...another weird thing it is. Maybe my friends will just see it as normal, perhaps some will be happy seeing me sleeping. People I used to be with knows that, I really need some sleep. And, when will I stop this stupid sleeping habits, I really don’t know. I’ve been struggling to prevail over for long. Now I can’t myself to sleep again, I have to make something productive. Anyway, I don’t think this article is ‘productive’. I’ve being silly over again, at least I had something to do, instead of doing nothing the whole night.

What a nice and inspiring 'copy-paste' E-mail (The Team Teddy Experience)

=============================================
''KUDO EMAIL FOR [soon-to-be] 'SENATOR TEDDY CASINO'.......''
=============================================
THURSDAY-MAY-9TH-2013@8:13AM/PHILS-STND-TIME........
=============================================



DEAR ''SENATOR-TO-BE 'TEDDY CASINO,' '' VIA ''JANNA ABAD''.....


1/ ALL OF US LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR BECOMING A NEWLY-MINTED SENATOR ON MAY 13TH, MID-TERM ELECTION DAY, SIR!


2/ MY WIFE, IVELLA F. ''BING'' TESTA [A FILIPINA] AND I WOULDLIKE YOU TO KNOW WHAT AN INCREDIBLY-DEDICATED EMPLOYEE
YOU HAVE AT YOUR CAMPAIGN H.Q., NAMELY, ''JANNA ABAD...''


3/ LAST NIGHT, JANNA COORDINATED THE VISIT OF ''BING'' TO
YOUR H.Q., TEDDY, VIA DETAILED TEXT'ED INSTRUCTIONS......
JANNA ALSO UPDATED US ON AVAILABLE T-SHIRT INVENTORY


[NO ''RED'' T-SHIRTS] PLUS OTHER CAMPAIGN PARAPHERNALIA, SIR.....[[[ THESE MATERIALS ARE FOR BING'S COUSIN IN OTTAWA, CANADA,
FOR SOME SORT OF POLITICAL PROMOTION//DISPLAY PURPOSES.RAQUEL HAS BEEN A LIFE-LONG ADVOCATE THERE FOR THE RIGHTS
OF OFWs, ESP. DOMESTIC HELPERS AND THEIR RIGHTS IN CANADA. ]]]4/ JANNA DISPLAYED A VERY KINDLY NATURE, A VERY HELPFUL
NATURE, AND A VERY DEDICATED NATURE TO YOUR ELECTION CAUSE.


5/ ''BING'' AND I WERE MAXXXXX-IMPRESSED BY JANNA SO WE BOTH
WANTED YOU TO KNOW, VIA JANNA, AS TO HOW IMPRESSED WE BOTHWERE BY HER OVERALL ACTIONS//HELPFULNESS, ''SIR TEDDY''.......



6/ REGRETFULLY, ONLY ''BING'' MADE IT TO YOUR CAMPAIGN H.Q.LAST NIGHT, TEDDY, BUT I MAY BE ABLE TO STOP BY TO SEE JANNA
BEFORE WE RETURN TO LONDON, ONTARIO, CANADA ON FRI., MAY 10TH?


''WISHING YOU A SUCCESSFUL ELECTION CAMPAIGN, 'SIR TEDDY.' '' ;-}}}

***(Contact Info below this email withheld, for security and privacy reasons).

     And, yes he did dropped by to the HQ, just to see and meet me in person. He was so happy to see me and the whole Team Teddy, so did I. I am really surprised. I never thought I could make a person as happy as "Kuya Tom" (he wants to be called like that, anyway), just by simply helping and accommodating him with regards to our Fund Raising Campaign.the compliments were too overwhelming for me.

     I introduced him and his wife, Ate Bing to other staffs and volunteers. And he bought more campaign materials to bring home to Ontario, Canada. I really appreciate the visit. Actually we really did, the whole Team Teddy. The visit was not that long, because all people were really busy, and according to him, he don't want to bother us in anyway. He just really dropped by to see me.

     It was such a surprise (coz I haven't seen his email earlier, so, I have no idea he wants to pay me a visit). As I walked with them to the gate, he asked me to keep him posted about the campaigns and the election results as well; and I promise that I will. Before they finally leave, he held my hand and said "Salamat at Ingat" . That made me smile and chuckle a little, as he tried to speak Tagalog, I am glad he's learning.

I'm sharing this email, because Kuya Tom would like me to forward it to Teddy and to the whole Team Teddy.

I would like to share this to all, because this experience is really unforgettable. Never I thought of doing some volunteer work would lead me into meeting great people.

Facebook note dated MAy 10, 2013 https://www.facebook.com/notes/janna-kontrabida/what-a-nice-and-inspiring-copy-paste-e-mail-the-team-teddy-experience/10151414545554205

Gloomy Journal Entry

(October 23, 2012)

6:15am

     Yesterday, I was about to go to a government office to make some follow-up to the documents I filed recently, I was tired and sleepy then, that I unintentionally slept in the ride on my way, I just can’t helped it when I woke up it was quite far where I am suppose to go. As I walked, a lot of things going through my mind then, I found myself heading towards the cemetery where my brother's grave is, the guards didn't allowed me to enter at first, since the visiting hours was soon to end that time, but I insist...

    As I walked inside, I forgot the exact location of his tomb, I was walking around there alone with all the graves around me, looking for my brother's, I walked around for several minutes, almost an hour I think and I am tired...I was ready to give up and head my way back, I told myself to visit him some other time instead. It was late in the afternoon and it's getting dark everywhere, making it more difficult for me to look at the gravestones, I feel so hopeless. I was about to cry then, I called his name and asked where he is, then in a few minutes I found it, finally...Then realized I was just walking around in circles.

    When I was about to flame the candle, it rained. It rained so suddenly that I didn't have the time to open my umbrella. I feel so helpless, I'm all wet so as the candle on my hand, I couldn't burned it...no one's there with me to help, for I was all alone there. That's the time I cried, I know I used to be alone, I learned to live alone, but how I wish by then, I am with someone or anyone.

   I cried...and cried with all my heart out. I was in pain and tormenting with all my hardships and adversaries. I talked to my brother through my heart, I said I was sorry that, I wasn't be able to keep my promise to bring him the grapes he requested a couple of days before he died. How I regret to help a friend rather than seeing him, I thought that friend would never leave me during the darkest days of my life, but I was wrong and now, how I regret of being a friend to him. I also explained why I don’t visit often , because it kills me seeing him suffering from pain of his illness but can’t do anything about it. If a lifespan of a person could be shared, I definitely share it to my brother, he deserves a life, well at least a little much longer. I told him I was about to keep my promise, I'm on a huff that he wasn't be able to wait for me to come and bring him the sweetest grapes he'll ever tasted. I can still remember how I told to bring him anything he wants as long as he’ll promise to be all right and he’ll keep on fighting. I still can’t get over the fact that I failed to do a brother’s dying wish.

     The rain gets harder as I cried. I know by brother don’t want to see me crying, for he was one of those who taught me to be strong. He’s mad whenever I cried, I remember how he told me that crying was one of signs of weakness, he doesn’t want me to be weak, according to him, people will just come and go through our lives and no one to defend myself but me and that the most profound relationship I’ll ever have is with myself. He hates to see me crying. But at that moment, I cried. I cried not to show him that I am weak, but to show him how strong person I become which I knew that was he wanted me to be.

     I cried because I am in pain and had no one to talked to, had no one to blurted out with, and that's all I wanted at that moment. I feel that I don't have friends or anyone to share it out with, or maybe I'm just to afraid to do so, because people had known me to be tough person, I don't know, I just don't know who am I going to talk to. I want to release all the pain and burdens that I am feeling, because if I don't, I afraid that I might feel that I wanted to give up, which is the last thing I've ever wanted to do.

     As flamed the candle, the rains getting harder which makes it more difficult for me to burn the wick, but I keep on trying...I was crying out that life seems to be unfair sometimes. All I wanted is to light the little candle in my hand and offered a prayer for my brother, but the situation don’t allow me to. I keep on trying to flame it, I tried and tried till it slightly burned my finger. But the pain of burned finger was nothing compared to the pain of losing my siblings. I prayed for him and my sister who died also, couple of months after. The rain stopped when I’m done with my prayer. I feel a little relieved, that’s when I thought of that maybe, it’s my brother that let me fall asleep on the ride and leads me where he is, perhaps he knows that I’m in so much pain and needs someone to be with, and he let the rain falls hard so that no one will see me crying or I did. I suddenly felt that he’s just there protecting me together with my sister. He will always be the Big Brother to his little sisters.

     Yes I am not a perfect sister, I have my flaws, but I know where ever my siblings is they’re proud of me and will always be. I remember when he tried to smile though it’s hard for him to move , when I told him I was directing/heading a song production number and told me that he’s sad that he wasn’t be able to watch the program, I just told him that someday he will.

    I know deep in my heart that he’s happy now where he is, no pains, no sufferings, no burdens. He just wanted to be visited and remembered. Though as of this time it’s hard for me to accept the fact that he has leave, I am pleased now for he will no longer feel any pain, I want him to rest, because he had enough. I just wish it wasn’t so soon, I wish he stays a little longer, just long enough to say how much I love him, he and my sister...It was dark when I am about to leave his grave, no people around except me; again I almost lost my way back. I was walking in an aisle almost pitch dark and it’s getting creepy, as the sound of my heels echoing as I walked towards the main road. But I am not afraid of anything that may come across my way. On my way back, I felt lightened and better. I know that was what he wanted, for me to feel better, because he just knew how strong person his little sister has become.

Note:

I want to thank all my friends who come at my brother's wake and funeral...Thank you for being there for me, that was one of the darkest days of my life. words aren't enough to show how grateful I am and my family, for being there for us. To the Student Council Friends, The Catalyst Friends, Elementary and High School Classmates, Loving Professors, and PUP Employees. Thank you