Gloomy Journal Entry

(October 23, 2012)

6:15am

     Yesterday, I was about to go to a government office to make some follow-up to the documents I filed recently, I was tired and sleepy then, that I unintentionally slept in the ride on my way, I just can’t helped it when I woke up it was quite far where I am suppose to go. As I walked, a lot of things going through my mind then, I found myself heading towards the cemetery where my brother's grave is, the guards didn't allowed me to enter at first, since the visiting hours was soon to end that time, but I insist...

    As I walked inside, I forgot the exact location of his tomb, I was walking around there alone with all the graves around me, looking for my brother's, I walked around for several minutes, almost an hour I think and I am tired...I was ready to give up and head my way back, I told myself to visit him some other time instead. It was late in the afternoon and it's getting dark everywhere, making it more difficult for me to look at the gravestones, I feel so hopeless. I was about to cry then, I called his name and asked where he is, then in a few minutes I found it, finally...Then realized I was just walking around in circles.

    When I was about to flame the candle, it rained. It rained so suddenly that I didn't have the time to open my umbrella. I feel so helpless, I'm all wet so as the candle on my hand, I couldn't burned it...no one's there with me to help, for I was all alone there. That's the time I cried, I know I used to be alone, I learned to live alone, but how I wish by then, I am with someone or anyone.

   I cried...and cried with all my heart out. I was in pain and tormenting with all my hardships and adversaries. I talked to my brother through my heart, I said I was sorry that, I wasn't be able to keep my promise to bring him the grapes he requested a couple of days before he died. How I regret to help a friend rather than seeing him, I thought that friend would never leave me during the darkest days of my life, but I was wrong and now, how I regret of being a friend to him. I also explained why I don’t visit often , because it kills me seeing him suffering from pain of his illness but can’t do anything about it. If a lifespan of a person could be shared, I definitely share it to my brother, he deserves a life, well at least a little much longer. I told him I was about to keep my promise, I'm on a huff that he wasn't be able to wait for me to come and bring him the sweetest grapes he'll ever tasted. I can still remember how I told to bring him anything he wants as long as he’ll promise to be all right and he’ll keep on fighting. I still can’t get over the fact that I failed to do a brother’s dying wish.

     The rain gets harder as I cried. I know by brother don’t want to see me crying, for he was one of those who taught me to be strong. He’s mad whenever I cried, I remember how he told me that crying was one of signs of weakness, he doesn’t want me to be weak, according to him, people will just come and go through our lives and no one to defend myself but me and that the most profound relationship I’ll ever have is with myself. He hates to see me crying. But at that moment, I cried. I cried not to show him that I am weak, but to show him how strong person I become which I knew that was he wanted me to be.

     I cried because I am in pain and had no one to talked to, had no one to blurted out with, and that's all I wanted at that moment. I feel that I don't have friends or anyone to share it out with, or maybe I'm just to afraid to do so, because people had known me to be tough person, I don't know, I just don't know who am I going to talk to. I want to release all the pain and burdens that I am feeling, because if I don't, I afraid that I might feel that I wanted to give up, which is the last thing I've ever wanted to do.

     As flamed the candle, the rains getting harder which makes it more difficult for me to burn the wick, but I keep on trying...I was crying out that life seems to be unfair sometimes. All I wanted is to light the little candle in my hand and offered a prayer for my brother, but the situation don’t allow me to. I keep on trying to flame it, I tried and tried till it slightly burned my finger. But the pain of burned finger was nothing compared to the pain of losing my siblings. I prayed for him and my sister who died also, couple of months after. The rain stopped when I’m done with my prayer. I feel a little relieved, that’s when I thought of that maybe, it’s my brother that let me fall asleep on the ride and leads me where he is, perhaps he knows that I’m in so much pain and needs someone to be with, and he let the rain falls hard so that no one will see me crying or I did. I suddenly felt that he’s just there protecting me together with my sister. He will always be the Big Brother to his little sisters.

     Yes I am not a perfect sister, I have my flaws, but I know where ever my siblings is they’re proud of me and will always be. I remember when he tried to smile though it’s hard for him to move , when I told him I was directing/heading a song production number and told me that he’s sad that he wasn’t be able to watch the program, I just told him that someday he will.

    I know deep in my heart that he’s happy now where he is, no pains, no sufferings, no burdens. He just wanted to be visited and remembered. Though as of this time it’s hard for me to accept the fact that he has leave, I am pleased now for he will no longer feel any pain, I want him to rest, because he had enough. I just wish it wasn’t so soon, I wish he stays a little longer, just long enough to say how much I love him, he and my sister...It was dark when I am about to leave his grave, no people around except me; again I almost lost my way back. I was walking in an aisle almost pitch dark and it’s getting creepy, as the sound of my heels echoing as I walked towards the main road. But I am not afraid of anything that may come across my way. On my way back, I felt lightened and better. I know that was what he wanted, for me to feel better, because he just knew how strong person his little sister has become.

Note:

I want to thank all my friends who come at my brother's wake and funeral...Thank you for being there for me, that was one of the darkest days of my life. words aren't enough to show how grateful I am and my family, for being there for us. To the Student Council Friends, The Catalyst Friends, Elementary and High School Classmates, Loving Professors, and PUP Employees. Thank you